Line of Fire

Today I came back to the same place alone. It’s the second day of December, 2021 when I am writing this. I was here on July 15 this year when he called to tell me about the backstabbing and the fall of my marriage as I was on a work trip here in Greenville, SC. I was travelling from California, SF Bay Area as that is where we used to live back then. I had moved there last year, leaving my city, Columbia, SC, after marrying him in Charleston in a small ceremony that came after much drama in the thirty years I had lived by then. I lived with him for ten months in that marriage, slept in the same bed, cooked and ate in the same kitchen, watched the same TV shows and movies, washed clothes in the same washing machine, used the same box of coconut oil on my skin. Little things, those shards of memories of a broken life, a broken love, a broken marriage.

I am writing it all in my journal, from time to time I add pieces of my story onto the white screen of my online journal. It doesn’t hurt as much anymore. I can probably talk about it without breaking down, I am not holding back from telling my coworkers here that I am separated, waiting for my divorce to get finalized. I don’t talk about the details, my therapist says I need to create boundaries about what I don’t want to remember. So I don’t tell them that when I was here working with them back in July, he was filing the petition to divorce with his lawyer. I don’t tell them that he had it all planned since May. I don’t tell them he slept with me in the same bed, cuddled, hugged, kissed and even had sex with me on occasion, as he was planning his grand betrayal. I don’t tell them I massaged his legs lovingly after he used to have long days at work and long runs in the evenings. I don’t tell them it was a pretence, as he met with the lawyers in secret and figured out the legal process to end our marriage. I don’t tell them he did not have the guts to sit down and talk with me, not even once he initiated any conversation about fixing our issues or even ending the marriage. It was always reactive, and solo decision of a detached, soul dead man(child). I don’t tell them that I lost thousands of dollars of my savings, and became depressed, even suicidal as I struggled through moving to California and then moving back to South Carolina, shipping my car, getting my ankle fracture fixed, donating most of my stuff from my treehouse apartment, vacating, flying, buying and fixing furniture and household stuff and then leaving it there in his apartment, buying him gifts I couldn’t afford thinking if I just did a little more he would believe my love, then buying furniture here to sustain myself, leaving most of my personal belongings, my paintings behind, and packing a life in a few bags in two days before flying back to Columbia on July 31st. No one talks about it, I lived through it, alone, why should I talk about it now.

There is so much that was horribly wrong from the get go in my marriage with him, the biggest horror of all was being married to a narcissist, not knowing what narcissistic people were like after coming from a relatively healthy family with normal, happy, loving, unconditional relationships, and finally, not knowing how to remain sane and not be confused all the time, to clear my head enough to make normal everyday decisions. I don’t talk about how many days I was truly myself and happy in that marriage. I don’t talk with people about the unplanned pregnancy or the miscarriage or the grief I endured alone. That is what therapists are for, right? A friend recently asked me if I could summarize my psychological knowledge gain of past few months and of thirty two years of life experience, what would I say? Would I say, “Never forget your own reality" or would I say “Don’t let what happened to you define who you choose to become" or would I just say “It’s life, deal with it, don’t give up". I don’t know what I would say to summarize what I know of narcissism and emotional abuse and manipulation and damage people refuse to deal with in life. Damage caused by their fathers and their mothers. Damage enhanced and enabled by their toxic codependent siblings. Damage they refuse to deal with, damage they think is the way of life for everyone. Damage that destroys lives, souls and only creates more damage. What would I speak about broken, damaged people? Thankfully, I have a choice to not explain. Therapist-> Boundaries.

He used to run. He was an ultra runner. He loved nature. He had planted two giant sequoia saplings for my birthday last November, and told me that they will grow and live for 3200 years, like his love for me. It was probably the sweetest gift anyone can ever think of, so kudos to him for that. What I didn’t know at the time was, the love he spoke of was dead and toxic before it could even be born. He ran everyday, pretty much. He loved working out. He encouraged me to bike, and I bought an expensive road Scott to bike. I used to bike as a kid, and loved the sport, but as I grew up, I grew distant to my physical callings. Nature, outdoors, cycling, hiking. I give him credit for reminding me of those. Even when he constantly judged me for my appearance, didn’t love me, starved me for love in most of my time with him, and then blamed me for being crazy and manipulative and a liar and let his father call me characterless and let his sister abuse me for opening my mouth about financial difficulties I was facing, all this while planning his grand betrayal behind my back. I had left California for my work trip on the morning of July 6th. He had signed the divorce petition on July 2nd. He had sent me a selfie in his new shirt that we went to buy back in June, on the same day. I still wonder sometimes, if he signed the papers before or after sending me that picture. He took me to Purisima, to see our trees on July 3rd. He took me to see the Independence Day fireworks on July 4th and then to his (former) best friend’s house for a BBQ hangout. He took me to brunch and then to Gurudwara on July 5th to pray for my dad’s health (my dad has Renal Cell Carcinoma, diagnosed in May of this year). He helped me pack the bag on the night before my flight, as I cried in his arms and told him I loved him even when he didn’t. My heart knew something was off in all these grand gestures. I could feel it all, I just didn’t know what was coming my way. The next night, the first night we were apart in the ten months of marriage, we had a huge argument, which converted into an ugly fight on phone. Names were called. He mocked me for my limited vocab as I struggled to articulate my pain and couldn’t get any words out, struggled to believe that he is the same person I married last year and lovingly massaged legs of, the night before. He didn’t reveal his plans till July 15, and kept lying, saying all is OK, we will talk about the fight when I get back there on July 16. I let go of my assistantship like an idiot, believed him when he said he would support me if I chose to stay in California to be with him and work on my PhD remotely. So when he called on July 15th on his own, dropped the massive betrayal on me and told me it was the last time I hugged him at the airport on July 6th, that I will never see him again as my husband, I was in shock. And horror. How could he do this to me when I was in a crappy hotel working my butt off to get through my PhD in a city not even my own, thousands of miles away from home. And yet, he had done it. And no one, nothing could change his mind. And yet, he didn’t care. A good mutual friend had called him that day on July 15th, as he rushed to Greenville from Columbia to help me reach airport to go back home. He had recorded his call, on my request. My ex had started working his ghosting methods on me by then, not responding to messages, not picking up calls, just telling me he has left, and poof! Gone. I fainted that day in the crappy hotel room, where my friend found me once he reached Greenville. He dropped me to the airport for me to travel through the night to get back home to see what happened, only to end up being served the summons and leaving forever in a matter of two weeks of that fateful day.

Since then, I have had at least four visits of this place, including a night stay trip.

So when I drove back up here today, it wasn’t the first time since the big fallout. It wasn’t even the second time, I had been coming back up here for work often this Fall. It is not even the last time. So what was different today, that brought me here to write about it all.

I met a new coworker today at the Patewood Campus. She is pretty young, just had a baby a few months back, got married during covid last year and was pretty chatty about her life, which led me to open up to her about my life as well. After all, I had met her for the first time, I didn’t work with her directly, and she doesn’t know most of the people I work with here in Greenville. She was sweet, and we chatted for about an hour, shared stories. I was low on sleep today, it has been hectic ten days, and another week before I can catch my breath from the finals rush at the University. Oh, did I mention I am a third year engineering PhD student with a minor in Health IT? And did I mention I am an amateur cyclist, fitness enthusiast now? That I lost 24lbs in four and a half months since the big disclosure of betrayal? That my BMI back to normal and that I feel great, love the sweat! Yes, life is super fun, I don’t have any complaints as of now.

So after finishing my work, I decided to go for a hike in the Table Rock State Park area. That is where I came to hike with the same mutual friend on July 10th, when I was visiting from California. Do you get the drift of where we are going with this yet? No? I hiked the same Carrick Creek Trail as before, though shorter this time. It was beautiful, the weather, the fallen leaves, the sun, the waterfalls, the views, the air, the black bear and everyone else hiking up and down the beautiful trail. I took many pictures. Made memories, alone. While driving back from the trail, I had Deja Vu. The recording of his call with my friend from July 15 played on my phone automatically. I used to skip that earlier, but today I let it play. I heard his voice again. I heard exactly how indifferent, cold and narcissistic he was, as my friend was begging him to make sure I was OK till they reached me here in Greenville. I did not cry today. I didn’t have to fight tears as I listened again to him abandoning me. I felt nothing, even when I tried remembering him. It would probably come and go, this feeling of indifference, for a few more months. I am still healing I guess. It is probably PTSD lingering from that day, I have been through enough psychological therapy, have read sufficient articles and watched many videos of trauma and emotional abuse, that I know what my triggers are, and somehow I am able to deal with my trauma alone. The memories that flooded me today were a little too overwhelming, even though I stayed in my power and felt nothing for him. Neither hate, nor anger, nor love beneath it all.

Many events perspired before and after the big fall out. I encourage you to watch out for the book that would have it all, the juicy, gory details. But for today, I can only say that I am sitting in my room for the night at Hilton at Patewood Greenville, stronger than ever before, at thirty two. My work is back on track, my finances are almost on point, and my health, physical and mental, has renewed, leading to aging in reverse in these past few months. I am better capable of dealing with the trauma he left behind, the damage he did is almost healed, I did not let it kill me or worse, kill my soul as the body lived. I am very much alive, standing in my power and I know more than ever, that I am enough. I have love in my life, so much love. I have gratitude for everything, good and bad and horrible. I have meaning in life and grace in my soul. I am not ashamed of what was done to me, instead proud of who I chose to become.

I do not need a smear campaign to paint him black like he did to me, or to remove him from social groups or block him from social media (I am already blocked in most places nevertheless, since August, without a hint of apology or guilt, even though he had guts to call me a bastard and then to tell me we could have had it all last month), I am sure his actions speak for it all, and I am sure nobody cares really, people, friends, even family look for what’s beneficial to them instead of what is right anyway. Rarely you get any good conversation out of anyone you know, about your failed marriage. I don’t know if he can ever heal from whatever damage he carries in his heart that prevents him from being the kind, loving person I thought he was, but I hope it heals. I have let him go at this point. I have nothing but indifference today, towards the man I used to be married to. I had to start speaking again. I had to come out of the confusion after the immense gaslighting and emotional torment, abuse. I had to get a grip. I had to find myself back, and heal and become stronger. I wasn’t given an option in the matter. It was horrible, the trauma, the pain, the grief. It took me some time to recover. It was the best thing that ever happened to me, as it led me to become this person I am today. I had to speak up, not to explain, justify or defend myself, I have done that enough in my relationship with that narcissist and his family. I had to speak up, to let people know I am alive, I survived, and now is my time to thrive.

There is a song by Junip- Line of Fire. It was playing today on my phone, after his call recording. It describes my own feelings today, as I finish writing this, to go out and have fun with life, be happy, be me this evening.

Peace and light.

Line of Fire

“What would you do
If it all came back to you?
Each crest of each wave
Bright as lightning
What would you say
If you had to leave today?
Leave everything behind
Even though for once, you’re shining
Standing on higher ground
When you hear the sounds
You realize its just the wind
And you notice it matters who and what you let under your skin
If put to the test
Would you step back from the line of fire?
Hold everything back
All emotion set aside it
Convince yourself
Someone else
Hide from the world
Your lack of confidence
What you choose to believe in
Takes you as you fall
Takes you as you fall
No one else around you
No one to understand you
No one to hear your calls
Look through all your dark corners
You’re backed up against the wall
Step back from the line of fire
What would you do
If it all came back to you?
Each crest of each wave
Bright as lightning
Do the same as you
What you choose to believe in
Takes you as you fall
No one else around you
No one to understand you
No one to hear your calls
Look through all your dark corners
You’re backed up against the wall
Step back from the line of fire”

Link to Song